There’s no question that sibling relationships are special. Siblings grow up alongside each other making them built-in best friends or mortal nemeses, or sometimes both. The dynamic between each set of siblings is unique, however, and evolves over time. Sometimes shifts are a result of developing maturity or a life event experienced together. One such key transition is when an older sibling leaves home. For some, it is an easy shift, pushing the siblings closer together than when they lived together. For others, it creates a painful distance. At Stone Ridge, all types of sibling relationships are represented and all have important insights to offer on how the shift away from home can affect sibling relationships and advice on how to adapt.
Younger siblings shared some of the painful parts of the transition.
“What hurt the transition is that he never called or texted me once he was in college,” said one student. “The only communication I had with him was sending tiktoks back and forth.” Another student felt forgotten and secondary when their brother “spent a lot of time with friends before he left” and the student couldn’t see him before he left for college. “The hardest part of the transition for me was the shift with my parents,” shared one student. Another elaborated, “At times it can feel like I am being forgotten, and my parents were the ones getting all of the details.” Disproportionate communication is also a strain, as one student explains “Sometimes they don’t text back…. but when [my siblings text] first it makes me happier!” 
Siblings left behind shared advice for older siblings leaving soon, based on what their own sibling did, or what they wished their sibling had done. “Spend significant quality time with your little siblings not only right before you leave but also throughout high school,” a younger sibling advises. A little less grievous, “I wish they had left more cute clothes for me to steal but they took them all with them,” lamented one. Another younger sibling responded, “I would advise older siblings to just share your life with [your siblings].” They elaborated, “If it means sending pictures, calling, or even just a text, it helps. Invite your siblings to visit you, or have them meet your new friends. Anything to keep them involved in your new life, even small, will help with the transition.”
Some younger siblings who had been through the transition before also gave advice and messages to other younger siblings approaching it. “I would say do not reach out constantly and be too clingy. While it’s very difficult at first, remember this is an important experience and that it’s time for the older sibling to gain independence and meet new people.” Many sympathized with the sadness, saying “that it is sad but it is such an incredible and happy experience for your sibling but they are also feeling sad. I think feeling those emotions together is something that will bond you and your sibling and it will keep you feeling close even when they aren’t in your house.” This student managed to still find a bright side reminding other younger siblings that there is “so much more space for you after they leave [, and] when they come back after the first day it is almost like they never left because they go right back to stealing your stuff.”
Other younger siblings gave specific ways to stay distracted from the adjustment in their sibling relationship. “Try and distract yourself from missing them by hanging out with friends more,” one suggested. “Cosplay as your sibling whenever you need to. If they are good at studying and you’re not, just channel their energy and be like ‘What would they do?’” said another. One had an important reminder for fellow younger siblings: “Your siblings have not forgotten about you. Even if you think that they have, they most definitely have not, and if you’re still not convinced, reach out. They are probably missing you just as much as you are missing them.”
Older siblings reinforced that message. Many expressed anxiety and sadness at the prospect of leaving little siblings. One student rated her anxiety a 5, explaining, “ My sister and I have a really good relationship, and I will miss her a lot when I go to college!” Another student gave a 4, saying, “I love my brother a lot, and I don’t want him to feel like I am abandoning him or won’t be able to play with him as much.”
A middle child rated her anxiety about leaving “a 3 because my little sister has already experienced the transition with my older sister, so she will be fine. Although it will be weird to not have my siblings with me throught the year in person.” Another student rating anxiety at 3 said, “I am ready to leave but I do love my siblings and I’m gonna be sad to not be able to go to their games and watch them grow.”
Many were ready to leave the nest. Only 2 students responded with a 1 in how anxious they felt about leaving younger siblings, citing weak relationships and escaping from the cold. One student rated her anxiety a 2 because “I am ready to have my own independence and she will be okay. I’ll call her.”
Many older siblings had messages and advice for the younger siblings they would be leaving behind. “The college process is long and hard, but lean on your friends and family because they will help you get through,” advised a senior. A student reminded her brother, “In 2 years you will do the exact same thing and then we can bunk together again :)” Another student had some apologies. “I’m sorry if the stress seeps into our relationship while I go through the application process, I’m sorry I’m leaving them, and I’m not sorry for wanting to leave.”
“I would want my younger sibling to know that I want to have the new experience of college but the bond we had together is still there even when I don’t live at home and they are instead the only child in the house,” said one student. “I still want to hear about their lives even if I’m not down the hall.”
One older sibling had just one thing she wanted her siblings to know: “How much I love them.”
(Quotes edited for length and clarity)
Reflection by Eileen Cosgrove
Since I was eight years old, every two years one of my five siblings have left for college, so I understand the experience and sadness of feeling like you are watching your siblings grow up. After reading the responses, there is a common theme. While being scared and unsure of how college may come between you and your sister/brother, there is nothing stronger than a sibling relationship. With my siblings being down in North Carolina to up in Boston, nothing has ever hindered our connection. My main tips? Give them space but stay in communication, and make the most of visits and holidays.
In response to some of the responses, although you may be leaving for college thinking you and your sibling will be calling and talking every day, that won’t always be the case, and that is ok. It is easy to say you will set time to talk to someone when you are home the summer before leaving, but once those classes and social life pick up in college, and even for your younger sibling in high school, you will both be busy and sometimes just a Snapchat or TikTok DM will be the most communication. Needless to say, my biggest advice is to be available a few times a week or try to make time if your sibling really wants to talk. For example, when my sister, Kate, left for Northeastern, I was heartbroken. We had just spent two years of Covid spending every second together, and when she left I felt like I had lost my best friend to Boston. We told each other we would talk every day, but, spoiler alert, that didn’t happen. As school and sports picked up, we both were busy with practice and studying and I can confidently say that did not change anything in our relationship. Of course, we still text and Facetime, but I make sure to remember how much she had going on. We both grew in our new lives and that made each break all the more exciting.
Now for the best part of having siblings in college, the holidays. Growing up with five siblings, holidays were always so special. Six stockings, six easter baskets, so much food and fun. However, as I get older and they aren’t around the house anymore, holidays are even better, and so much more important to me. Getting home from school and seeing their suitcase at the bottom of the stairs, knowing I will spend every hour of the next few weeks with them makes every Christmas, Easter, and fall break so much better. I say this in regards to siblings either leaving or who have a brother or sister going to college, make sure to cherish breaks and really spend time with your sibling, even after the first day of them being home, because once the house is quiet again, you are going to wish they were sitting in your bed begging you to hang out or go to Starbucks with them, so take advantage while you can!
